One day, a miracle unfolded along the Dnipro River. However, in all honesty, miracles were somewhat common in this region. This particular event was a "trapunok," an unusual occurrence that garnered considerable attention among experts in the area. The local newspaper, "Dnipro Witch Herald," often emphasized that the degree of strangeness could be measured by the reactions of the expert community. This adventure had long been the topic of discussion among the most discerning connoisseurs of local marvels.

The setting was Khalep'ya, a picturesque village with an evocative name meaning disaster in Ukrainian. It nestled along the banks of the grand Dnipro River, not far from the renowned Trypillia culture archelological site. The magical events did not start immediately. Snizhana, the eldest daughter of Serhii Kryvoruchko, the director of the "Barvinok" agricultural enterprise, had come to this village from the capital for an extended May Day weekend. Snizhana was a creative soul without a defined specialization. While pursuing her studies at a pedagogical institute to become a cultural expert, she sensed an immense potential within herself, but so far, it had only manifested in short video clips on Tik-Tok and occasional appearances at Kyiv's bohemian raves. It was at one of these gatherings, or perhaps through Tinder, that Snizhana met a young artist named Alyosha Kuybida, who she now brought home for the holidays.

Alyosha had recently completed online courses in modern art and leaned towards radicalism in his creative pursuits. He had begun his artistic journey in his hometown of Brovary. Inspired by the works of Viennese activists and his favorite artist, Pyotr Pavlensky, Alyosha stripped naked, took his parents' crossbow, and raced to the local bus stop, shouting in a voice that was not entirely his own. His goal was to draw the attention of the townsfolk to the pressing issue of global warming, but sadly, the unsympathetic locals failed to appreciate his performance. They apprehended Alyosha and promptly called the police. Had Alyosha been a recognized activist in Kyiv's artistic circles, and had the incident caught the attention of socially conscious social media users, the outcome might have been different. Instead, Alyosha faced charges of hooliganism. Who knows what would have transpired if not for the intervention of Alyosha's father, Mykola Kuybida, a traffic police inspector. Mykola managed to negotiate with someone, perhaps offer a bribe, resulting in Alyosha being diagnosed with an "acute psychotic episode" and sent to a specialized institution. Surprisingly, Alyosha found his stay there rather intriguing. Regrettably, after just two weeks, his father wielded his influence again, and the provocative artist was released with a strong admonition to refrain from mentioning global warming again.

However, Alyosha Kuybida was not ready to abandon his artistic mission so easily. After meeting Snizhana, he delivered impassioned lectures about the role of art as society's moral compass. Snizhana had witnessed such passion towards the fate of humanity only from afar during lectures by the renowned Kyiv artist, Kazhan. Coupled with Alyosha's charming biceps, it left an indelible impression on her. She felt not just love but also a sense of purpose for the first time in her life. Alyosha would be a genius artist, much like Salvador Dali once was, and she would become his muse.

Snizhana worried that inviting her new boyfriend to her home in May might seem like undue pressure. So, she quickly came up with another reason for Alyosha to visit Khalep'ya —a perfect setting for a new performance! With Snizhana as his assistant, the budding genius could not only sidestep potential issues but also gain valuable video documentation of his artistic endeavors. All that remained was to decide on a theme.

Amid the backdrop of the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, Alyosha found an unexpected interest in the occult. He had been reading articles about witches, alchemists, and sorcerers on his phone in the days leading up to the Khalep'ya trip. Just before their journey, he stumbled upon a YouTube interview with a curator who was planning an entire exhibition centered around neo-shamanism. Suddenly, he knew—this was it! Alyosha could not only be a socially conscious artist but also an authentic mystic. Khalep'ya, situated on the Dnieper River, was the ideal location for a magical ritual, conducted according to all the ancient traditions, to summon the spirit of the river and heal the wounds inflicted on the village and the planet by the dreaded Anthropocene.

To draw the attention of otherworldly forces to the issue of global warming, which he was unwilling to abandon, Alyosha decided to make a small, real sacrifice, as was customary in serious witchcraft tales. However, his imagination faltered at this point, and Snizhana became slightly apprehensive. She attempted to persuade Alyosha to shift his focus back to socially critical issues instead of mysticism. She fervently argued for an art performance to protect Halepya's forgotten masterpieces of Soviet modernism, which was in danger of being lost. Alyosha insisted on the need for a ritual sacrifice but eventually agreed to search for one on-site. It was challenging to determine if Alyosha truly believed in these mystical elements.

Snizhana's father, Serhiy Kryvoruchko, held the naive hope that, since his daughter was bringing her boyfriend to Khalep'ya for the first time, a wedding, and perhaps even grandchildren, were on the horizon. To celebrate this, they decided to head directly from the bus to the best local restaurant, aptly named "Sushi-Pizza."

The restaurant was a gathering spot for local small-scale thugs, district council members, and tourists from Kyiv, many of whom were neo-pagan believers in their ancestral faith. These followers of Dobromysl and Svyatopolk had made a habit of visiting Trypillia's historic sites on pilgrimages. The restaurant menu was far from original, featuring a couple of sushi and sashimi options, mediocre pizza, crab stick salad, and traditional Ukrainian dumplings. To create an atmosphere and cater to the occasional VIP diner, the restaurant featured a large central aquarium with a few bedraggled fish, destined for someone's dinner plate. Dominating the display was a massive, exotic lobster. No one could recall how long it had resided in the tank, but the staggering price of two thousand hryvnias for the lobster deterred gourmets. Some long-time patrons even recalled seeing the same lobster in the same spot before the Maidan revolution.

Upon seeing the lobster in the restaurant, Alyosha was startled and struggled to respond to his potential future father-in-law's polite inquiry about his drink preferences. The lobster and Alyosha shared a moment of intense scrutiny; they seemed destined for each other. There was no time to search for a more captivating candidate for the magical ritual. Two thousand hryvnias was a substantial sum, but Alyosha had the funds, thanks to his father's efforts as a state traffic inspector.

However, Alyosha was unaware of one crucial detail—Eustratii, the most powerful black sorcerer in the Dnipro region, was inhabiting the body of the veteran lobster. Several months earlier, he had taken control of the crustacean's shell. During his time in the aquarium, Eustratii eavesdropped on local conversations. The sorcerer had fallen in love with the local criminal Rybka's incredibly young daughter and hatched a plan to uncover the thief's vulnerabilities to gain his trust and convince him to hand over the girl to a dubious old wizard lacking an apartment and a significant bank account.

The next morning, Alyosha and Snizhana returned to claim their valuable lobster. Eustratii was slightly startled but opted not to panic. He decided to wait until he was outside the restaurant, away from prying eyes, before leaving the lobster's body. In Alyosha Kuybida's artistic endeavors, a particular pattern was beginning to take shape. For his new performance, he also opted for nudity, but this time in solitude, amidst the slopes of the Dnipro river. Snizhana had prepared props for the magical ceremony, including a plate for the sacrificial seafood, a mirror, and items for a bonfire. She had read online that lobsters must be transported at low temperatures, so she brought a cooler bag. In that moment, Eustratii, the lobster sorcerer, had a rude awakening as he was roughly transferred from the aquarium into the dark bag.

"Why are these youngsters with dull faces taking me away? And why is it so cold in here? Oh no, not this again. I think I'm falling asleep..."

In Eustratii's fading consciousness, memories of a terrible past adventure resurfaced. Back then, he had been stuck for a long time between the world of the living and the dead, meeting his end in the body of a mosquito at the hands of the damned Cossack Vernihora. Later, the infuriated sorcerer had exacted his revenge, transforming the fool into a merman, the very same one that today's Dnipro's courtesans fondly refer to as Mamay for his sweet guitar melodies.

In Eustratii's fading consciousness, memories of another dreadful adventure that had happened to him a long time ago in human time flashed by. Back then, he had been stuck for a long time between the world of the living and the dead, meeting his end in the body of a mosquito at the hands of the accursed Cossack Vernihora. Later, the infuriated sorcerer had exacted his revenge, transforming the fool into a merman, the very same one that today's Dnipro's witches fondly refer to as Mamay for his sweet guitar melodies.

Having put their future sacrifice to sleep, Snizhana and Alyosha headed towards a deserted viewing area on the outskirts of the village. The ritual performance for the protection of Mother Earth was off to a rather shaky start. A clear sky suddenly gave way to a grayish cloud, and a drizzle began to fall, unpleasantly cold.

"Baby, maybe we should prepare a lobster for dinner and grab some coffee at the gas station for now?" Snizhana felt a twinge of unease and an unexpected longing for warmth.
"Kitty, we agreed - no shortcuts or tricks. The lobster was purchased for the ritual; we can't simply consume it. And performing in the rain will make it even more beautiful. Art demands sacrifice. Let's proceed!"

Atop the hill near the Dnipro River, the scene was undeniably picturesque, with the rain adding a poetic touch. While Snizhana set up her camera and tripod beside the makeshift shrine in a small depression, Alyosha collected somewhat dry twigs under a tree, placed them beneath pre-prepared logs, and doused everything with a specially concocted liquid. He then ignited the fire, employing some tourist-like techniques to ensure it wouldn't extinguish in the damp surroundings. Next to the fire, he placed a small mirror and drew a ritual circle around the improvised sanctuary. With the location prepared, the artist began to intently recite something from his phone, muttering incomprehensible words to himself.

"These are ancient ritual texts. A few years ago, serious people found them in a jar in an Egyptian cave near where they discovered the Nag Hammadi Gnostic library. Remember when I told you about it? It's in Coptic, which is why it sounds so strange. It took some effort to get my hands on something this powerful."

Alyosha wanted to appear as cool as possible in Snizhana's eyes. He couldn't admit that he had posted an announcement in the online group "Magic for Beginners" and asked for help with incantations for a sacrifice ritual and summoning the spirit of the river. A user with the nickname "Grey_Cat" had responded almost immediately, sending him three pages of some mystical jumble.

"Well, are we ready?" Alyosha asked, looking at Snizhana and taking off his jacket.

The subsequent events unfolded rapidly. Later, Snizhana would find it challenging to recall the exact sequence of events. There she stood, in the rain, with her camera and tripod beside the improvised shrine in a small depression. The Dnipro River seemed to be everywhere. Even the rain didn't hinder the mighty river from completely dominating the landscape, the frame, and the imagination.

From the hilltop, a naked and breathtaking young man descended directly into the camera's view. In his outstretched hands, he held an enormous lobster, as if offering it to Snizhana, the camera, and humanity. The lobster remained dormant from its frigid slumber, displaying no signs of life. The wind restlessly swayed the remnants of the fire, which struggled to persist amidst the relentless drizzle. The scene was elevated yet somewhat absurd, precisely what modern avant-garde performance art required.

Alyosha stepped into the magical circle, knelt down next to the fire, and placed the lobster on a plate. Taking the mirror in his hands, he gazed into it for a long, solemn moment. Placing the mirror next to the plate with the lobster, he began to chant his incantations.

Somewhere around this moment, the cold finally relinquished its grip on Eustratii in his lobster form. The sorcerer suddenly realized he had become part of a magical ritual, not as the main character, but as the object, the sacrifice that the novice warlock Alyosha Kuybida would soon present. Eustratii felt himself being drawn into a powerful vortex of energies.


"These incantations are doing something strange. It's like I'm trapped inside this cursed lobster; I can't break free."

Panic welled up in Eustratii, but he couldn't escape the lobster's body. His only option was to try to make Alyosha stop the magical ritual and urgently undo the damage. Meanwhile, Alyosha continued his incantations, mixing strange sounds with recognizable words:

"Bububu lobster, bububu Anthropocene, bububu Mother Earth, bububu Global warming..."
"Mur mur mur Spirit of the river, mur mur mur appear, mur mur mur Dnipro, come forth, I, Alyosha Kuybida, summon you!"

"Bububu accept this sacrifice, bububu let this lobster intercede for us in the world of spirits, bububu, mur mur mur, bububu..."

This chanting had a profound effect on Eustratii. Gathering his willpower, he attempted to establish telepathic contact with Alyosha, but to no avail. Alyosha concluded his recitation and was about to throw the lobster into the fire. Eustratii felt the inevitability of yet another otherworldly journey, but suddenly recalled a powerful incantation for exiting a living creature's body and transforming into a ghost. Quickly reciting the necessary words, Eustratii felt a change occurring. He began to ascend from the lobster's body like wisps of smoke.

"Stop this circus immediately, you idiot"

Snizhana screamed. Alyosha, who was kneeling, opened his eyes and was astonished. Floating before him was a nearly transparent ghost in the form of an elderly sorcerer.

"Is this a hologram?" Alyosha was shocked.

"What in the world is a hologram? I am Eustratii, the sorcerer. You had the audacity to disturb me while I was inside that lobster. If you don't reverse your spells right now, you're in for a world of trouble!"

"Sure, no problem! How do I do that?" Alyosha released the untouched sacrifice and trembled in fear.

"Don't you even understand what you're doing?" Eustratii could feel an unknown sorcerer's power gradually drawing him back into the lobster's shell. "Well, prepare yourself to feel the wrath of my curse!" The ghost muttered ominous words until he was completely sucked back into the crustacean's shell.

Once imprisoned but now on solid ground, the enchanted lobster sorcerer clicked his massive claws belligerently and scuttled away towards the Dnipro.

All this time, Snizhana stood rooted to the spot. For a moment, she diverted her eyes from the magic circle, watching in a daze as the lobster escaped. Suddenly, there was a thunderous boom in the sky. While the artist and the sorcerer were sorting out their issues, an even darker cloud rolled in. A real storm began - rain poured down, completely extinguishing the remains of the fire. But where had the performer gone? In the spot where he had just stood, an awkward blue kiosk had appeared. On its facade, in the pouring rain, letters shimmered beautifully: "Shawarma Alyosha." What on earth?

And then, another wonder occurred. From the direction of the river, nearly knocking Snizhana off her feet, a gigantic fish leaped. Atop it sat a tiny man in oversized blue shorts, with a blue mohawk and flashy tattoos on his exposed torso.

"Who summoned the river spirit? How can Dnipro help you here?" the peculiar rider asked with a high-pitched yet resonant voice.

Snizhana stood in the rain, no longer surprised by anything, and silently wept.
"Why shed tears?" The river spirit sensed her distress. "I see it in your eyes; our local devilry have given you a spin. Tell me what happened."

Dnipro waved his hand at the dark cloud, and the rain ceased. Suddenly, Snizhana felt an overwhelming urge to confide in someone, even in this man who looked nothing like the spirit of the great river. Awkwardly at first, then more confidently, she began to recount her recent adventures, pausing to mention the lobster's escape and her beloved Alyosha's whereabouts.

"Oh, why are you kids always drawn into otherworldly games?" Dnipro sighed. "Can't you find some normal fun? Eustratii is a strong and grudge-holding sorcerer. His curse is no joke. This kiosk with shawarma is your Alyosha. A troublemaker who you so carelessly trapped in the form of a lobster - he's quite the character. He enjoys turning his enemies into all sorts of absurd things."

Snizhana gazed at the now silent shawarma stall, her heart heavy with memories. Memories of the two of them dancing through the night at an underground rave, followed by early morning conversations in the park about their upcoming performance, which had gone so terribly wrong. In those few weeks of preparation, Snizhana had felt a sense of purpose and mission for the first time in her life. Perhaps it was love? Alyosha needed to be awakened from this nightmare.
The distressed muse of the beleaguered artist began to seek guidance from the spirit of the river.


"Stronger than Evstratiy, the sorcerer on the Dnipro, is only an all-powerful bird-woman. At night, she hovers over these hills, but without magical skills, you won't be able to reach her. During the day, she lives in Kyiv like an ordinary retired woman, Olena Petrovna. There's just one problem. In her daytime life, Olena Petrovna doesn't remember who she is at night and is unaware of her true power. If someone can help you right now, it's her," Dnipro slyly winked at Snizhana, handing her a shell with a roughly scratched address. On this optimistic note, the gigantic fish suddenly leaped, and Dnipro disappeared, leaving Snizhana with a spicy flying kiss. The girl suddenly realized that her camera, placed on a tripod and left in recording mode, had captured the entire sequence of events. The performance might not have gone as planned, but the documentation could still be extraordinary. If only Alyosha Kuybida were here to appreciate it.

Snizhana looked up at the shawarma kiosk and remembered her sorrow. However, this time, she didn't cry. She wiped away a solitary tear, grabbed her belongings, and hurried home. There was much to be done, and the tasks wouldn't complete themselves!

Day turned into night, and the blue kiosk remained alone on the high Dnipro cliff. Snizhana wouldn't return here anytime soon, but in the meantime, the locals and the few visitors to the village would continue to wonder and speculate – who on earth had the idea to set up a shawarma stall in such a desolate place? So, if you happen to pass by Khalep'ya anytime soon, don't hesitate to check on the enchanted artist-performer Alyosha Kuybida. And while you're there, give him your regards – he hears and feels everything; he just can't utter a word.